Friday night rambles.

Everything hurts. The broken wrist (more painful than last years, therefore more broken). The heavily bruised shoulder (can't push doors open with broken wrist, other hand is mostly occupied with folders, mobile, handbag...). The revision (or lack-thereof) induced headache. Kneeeees!!! There are very few bony parts of my anatomy that are not aching in some way today.

Pity party over. Today was the last day of class before January exams (strangely, held in February), so The Fear was starting to hit people - when I left at 6pm, 4 hours after our class ended, there were 5 medics in the computer room, 12 on one floor of the library, and goodness knows how many on the other floor, or the other library. Revision pizza party has been scheduled for Tuesday night (to coincide with Domino's 555 deal! Eeee!), so some semblance of study should probably take place prior... Heh, it's Friday night and the blogs are calling.

I keep reading Mothers in Medicine and I have to admit it terrifies me! I cannot wait to have lil kiddies of my own (kids clothes are so cute! Much better than dressing up the cat), but OMG. I am terrified that my (non-medical) boyfriend will not cope well with a) not being the breadwinner, b) being left at home with the kids, c) me studying in the time that isn't spent working, d) me getting all excited over Charnley hips and the relative benefits of cemented over non-cemented NOF fixations.... I love him to bits and I can't wait to start our proper life together, both in the same place (same country would be a nice start!), with a lil flat of our own, and kidlets on the way... *daydreams*. I always thought if I was a doctor, my husband would be a doctor, you know? Not a supermarket manager/PhD student/primary school teacher/psychologist [delete as applicable when Boy finally picks a career]. That's not to say I belittle what Boy does, I just want him to be in a job he's happy with, one he gets excited about doing for the rest of his working life! Like I am with Ortho, ha. I think, no, I know he'll be awesome whatever he does - he's smart and caring, and he just gets people. I don't know how, I seriously wish I did! It was recently anonymously commented that I'm not a people person. I'm not a people person, right on. I am a patient person. My clerking today had such a crazy lifestory, I wish it were within the limits of patient confidentiality to say, but needless to say, it was full of hardship and overcoming adversity and sheer gutsiness and an immense drive to do life. I adore our wards, as I keep saying, but certain patients make you come out grinning, and today, he did.

Certain consultants also make you come out grinning, when they catch you on your own and tell you you're "a good one". EEEEEEE -SUPER-HAPPY-JOYFUL-JELLY! Out of our group of 8, there's an academic range. The 12's, who work hard but don't quite get the big concepts or the sheer volume, but are happy regardless. The 15's, who work a bit, play a bit - the popular kids. The 19's, the super-academics; the one's who, faced with a real patient, get a bit tongue tied, and mumble, and display that their only knowledge of performing an exam is from MacLeods. I am the quandary. My average is a solid 16, a 15 on weighted average. Yet on wards, I am the 20. I am the one who presents, I am the walking BNF, I am the one who answers.
Wards are my reason to feel good about this course, my motivation to keep going. Of course, time in Theatre is what makes me leap out of bed in the darkest morn before the dawn, and stay til the last patient is into Recovery, still hoping for more, but theatre days are few and far between. Wards are my weekly saving grace.

I have cupcakes and I'm not afraid to use them.

Procrastination central. It's here. I just made cupcakes (minus frosting - does that make them muffins? Or just naked?). And did all my ironing. And the washing up. Twice. And I spent the afternoon at my job, pretending that summarising medical records counts as revision, as opposed to the truth - I do know the baby vacc schedule inside out, but I learnt more about psychosexual dysfunction this afternoon than pharmacology. I think we all know which one is on the exam.

The stress is here. I just screamed at the landlady/flatmate for standing outside banging/shouting/whistling for half an hour (she's lost her keys - don't get me started on the fact that this means our flat is left unlocked if she leaves last). The stress is also in part due to a minor altercation with the boy. His housemates are moving out to buy a house together, so he's having house issues. Why does that sound familiar, huh? Oh, and I tripped over thin air/my own big feet and broke my scaphoid. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, maybe because I did that last-year-just-before-big-exams. *Grumble*. One day, one fine day, I will get through an exam season without a medical drama.

Tomorrow's lecture is cancelled, so more chances to sleep in/revise Tumour Pathology over breakfast.

13 days...

Tweeeet.

I was supposed to finish the GI system today. I'm still 2 lectures off. Bah!

I was supposed to wrap the Christmas presents tonight. They're all sat on my bed. Unwrapped.

I was supposed to not buy any more alcohol til at least next week. I have a new bottle of wine in my fridge. Now half empty. Bonus - I did not get ID'd for it. Antibonus - I'm supposed to be over 25 for that to happen. Shit. Boyf suggested that I have gained wrinkles from excessive drinking.

Boyfriend may have said "We shall see" and then "You may get lucky" when I said that I didn't think we would get married in the next decade (his idea, not mine). Am 80% happy and 20% scared shitless. Do not want to plan a wedding in the next five years.

Flatmate has gone out with friend (amid much giggling) so I have the flat to myself. Myself and Sauvignon Blanc are bonding. We are nearly best friends already.

I am out of Oreo's. This is a national disaster.

I am currently discussing my black cloud treatment with a relative stranger, in full internet view of many medics I know in real life. This is my confession.

Stop punching bears, boy.

Today, one of my friends had surgery to repair an injury caused by "punching a bear, like Chuck Norris". Orrr... falling up stairs. Lol.

Either way, he's now (hopefully) post-op, with a couple of K-wires.

And I totally get why surgeons don't operate on family and friends. I'm nervous enough sitting at home waiting for news. I can't imagine how terrifying it would be to be in theatre, observing, never mind being actually responsible for the outcome.

Still partially want to have been there - not seen a metacarpal ORIF yet!!

Boyfriend = deadmeat.

Ortho starts on Monday! Super excited for my first ever placement as a medical student!


[EDIT: Shit, that's tomorrow. I know no anatomy! I will be shot down!]

Erm.... since last posting, I have:
-cried, like, six times.
-bought new undies (matching, for the first time in my life!)
-broken the 'o' button on my laptop to the extent that it requires a small beating to produce each letter.
-bought new trainers, that I don't like, but have no way of returning...
-virtually furnished the new flat (yeh, I mean virtually as in internet-window-shopping, not actually purchasing. Not my job, not my money).
-very nearly dumped my boyfriend.

Ha, that last one was less mundane than the rest. All I will say, for posterity's sake, since I haven't really mentioned it anywhere else, is that he was a twat. He went in a strip club, and then lied about it for six months, to 'protect' me from the truth. Needless to say, I went nuts. Crying, hair pulling (I had trichotillomania as a child, and it's never really left me), hitting lying scum every time he came near me [as an aside, he did wipe my snotty nose and dry my eyes, regardless of the punches he sustained while doing so], and, once I'd calmed down a little, went upstairs to our room and pulled all the cards I'd ever sent him off the walls, and all the photos of the two of us together, and put them, together with every one of my possessions that resides at his, into the drawer under the bed, ready for disposal/collection at a later date.

Domestic bliss

Just got back after a night at the boyf's. He's been working non-stop recently, so we took advantage of him finishing at 7pm yesterday and not starting til 10am today to go out. Went to see The Hangover, which is awesome! The whole audience were wetting themselves laughing - it was more surreal than purile, thankfully! I wasn't really in the mood for toilet jokes, but finding Mike Tyson's tiger in the bathroom? Definitely :D

Another day of doing nothing, I think... Domestic stuff, plus a quick trawl of houses for sale in uni-town, since I'm still homeless there, and a lengthy trawl of cars for sale in home-town. Not that I need a car until I get a job, but there's no harm being prepared!

The boyf has finally asked me to cough up some cash towards bills to ingratiate the housemates. Not that they've started complaining yet, but given the unreserved hatred of the last girlfriend to assume residency, I'm more than happy to throw some cash in their direction! It's fair enough, I do live there about 3/7 of the time, and I'm not paying rent anywhere else yet.
I'm moving in for a week in about 10 days, while the housies are on holiday - I'm being turned into a domestic goddess while R is out at work! He's expecting dinner on the table when he gets in and everything! So long as he doesn't expect me to clean out the rat trap, I don't mind...

Hometime is just being spent getting creative! I've turned a scrap of knitting into a funky wrist cuff, complete with gothic studs, and made some buttoned patches to turn into new cushion covers for when we finally get a sofa in the new uni house. The next step is to finally get those penny earrings done, but the cat disapproves quite strongly of me using the drill...

If this is summer, where is sunshine?

I'm home. Shattered. Still jobless, with 11 CV's out. Neither of my projects this summer have got back to me either.

However - I WON THE PSYCHOSOCIAL PRIZE!!! Jointly, with a guy who totally deserves it, but WOO!!! Very chuffed with myself for that.

Spent the day with the boyf :) Spent last night over there, got totally bepuzzled by the finale of Ashes to Ashes, went to the aquarium today, saw lots of fishes, fell in love with flatfish again, and grew more and more irritate by the high pitched shrieks of "I've found Nemo!" from every single small child there. Saw the entire in-law family, including having tea with Uncle C and Granny S! Fortunately it went well, accompanied with a hastily procured bunch of flowers! Well, she did sew my damaged skirt up this term, as well as providing the most lavish tea I've seen in a while!

Totally love-hate with R right now. Head over heels in love with him, but more and more annoying things are coming out. Possibly because he's working 13 hour shifts nearly every day off the week, and I'm post-prozac with jetlag. But gah! Temper, temper! And if I have to tattoo the word 'tolerance' onto his eyes, I will!
All things being equal, I'll admit to freaking out over his tale of the lost V. I had a fairytale romantic story in my head, due to the subsequent heartbreak around the ex, and that was cruelly dashed by the truth of drunken encounters at a party, before they were officially together. I was pretty gutted to find that out, to be honest. I still hate that I wasn't his first, and I guess I kinda thought that if it couldn't be with me then I had hoped it was lost honourably. But past is past. I can't get on my high horse, since my V was lost pretty dishonourably too, in the aftermath of his infidelity. I can say with as much false conviction as possible that I did it because it made me realise that I loved him, and that I was willing to overlook that mistake in the light of apologies and remorse. But subconsciously? I'd almost lost him, and I didn't want that to happen. So I gave away the one thing I still had to give. I'm not proud of that. I don't regret sleeping with R at all. I just regret the timing. We all make mistakes.

Gah where did my cheery 'start of summer' mood go to?! I have beautiful 'exam congratulations' roses, very scrumptious 'prize congratulations' chocolates (both from R) and a swish bottle of wine from the parentals to celebrate both those occasions!

Girly lunch later this week with a very sunburnt friend, to find out exactly how gruesome her legs look and whether the Fucidin is helping... Oh, the silly things we do in the name of vanity....

Exam Countdown: 3 days.

The boyf has gone on a girly shopping trip with some mates to London today, so to avert my green eyes, I did a 7 hour library haul. Hopefully cracked enough info into my thick skull to pass Monday's exam, just got half of the anatomy curriculum to cover and I'm done.

One of my mates has got into Urban Exploring, in the local hospitals/asylums - we seem to have quite a few! Not sure what that says about the locals....
Anyway, the photos are beautiful! Really would love to get into it, but a criminal record for trespassing doesn't look so great on a surgical CV!

Home in 2 weeks! Can't believe that first year is over so quickly. No more halls. No more anatomy class. No more having 35 other people in the house to talk to when I can't be arsed to revise! I'm definitely gonna miss having all my friends within 100 yards... Just found another possible flat, with a roof garden! Fingers crossed our investor (slash flatmate's Dad :p ) likes the look of it too....

Bedtime!

Urgh. I was rudely awoken by an alarm clock at 6.30am (lots of rude awakenings recently. Don't people have manners? Don't people understand my need for sleep?!). Unfortunately, it was mine.

The MRI centre is 90 mins from my flat, on foot. Uphill. My toes are still bleeding. But I got a nice nap for 20 mins, with a cosy pillow, and some massive retro headphones. Great, aside from the CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK of some gigantic magnet spinning my protons (I think. A level Chem seems a long time ago). Fun, exciting new times anyway.

The other half finished his exams today, and (conditional to results) is now a second year! And promptly rang me to rub it in my face. Lovely man. Possibly our first functional phone call (yes, in over ten months of dating, 70% long distance, this is the first. Don't begrudge us our fights), with no awkward silences, no bickering about talking over each other, and it was a genuine 'I missed you and wanted to hear your voice' call, so aww *cute smushy face*

The 'after-MRI' bit of my day, like post-1030, has been... insignificant. Failed retail therapy - where have all the cool t shirts gone? Slogans, pictures, patterns? I already have a cupboard full of plain tops, dammit! Last time, I resorted to TopMan. My Grr shirt is my new favourite thing, ever.

I did come home with a ton of pick n mix sweets though, most of which got consumed instead of lunch, and left me in a hyperglycaemic haze until dinner. Which was great for my afternoon of anatomy revision. Aclands knowledge can be absorbed through the ears, bypassing the need for the mind to be switched on. My boyfriend agrees. And he's a psychologist, k?

Finally, expect death. All water outlets are being tested for Legionella this month. Suspiciously, 5 of my flatmates now have the early symptoms of Legionnaires.

Romance and Reproduction

Beautiful weekend back home with the boyf :) All those hours stuck on scummy trains was worth it, even though a week later I'm still battling a virus I caught on said train.
So I have flowers covering the smell of eau de sock, and putting up with lily dust dropping onto my keys constantly. There are smelly fake rose petals too, for when the real ones die off. My R thinks of everything :)

- - -

I have no idea where this week of classes disappeared to. My orbitalis frontalis is all wrinkled at the very thought. In fact I've done so little that I'm not even certain I haven't just invented a new muscle.
We've left reproductive behind, moving onto the complete pisstake that is the renal system. I LIKED repro, however gross it was and however much it made me want to opt for a C section. The anatomy made sense. It correlated with the physiology. And there was loads of clinical stuff :D

15 year old female with amenorrhoea. I knew everyone else would suggest the HPO axis problems. Screw that. Option A: she's pregnant. Option B: she's on contraceptives that cease menstruation and failed to understand this.

Apparently my thought process makes me cynical and negative, according to our repro tutor. Ah well. I don't do thinking outside the box very often, so when I do, it makes me smile.

Reminds me of the time in Primary, when we were asked 'what is a table?' in Maths class. Lil Jelly: "Piece of wood with four legs." Oh I got a bollocking for that one...

Training the heart to hold...

I'm on a train. As I was three hours ago. I will still be on a train in another three hours. How did Scotland and England end up so far apart?

I don't actually mind long solitary journeys. It's a nice opportunity to chill out by myself and think (I'd do this if there wasn't some loud Scotch lass down the carriage from me). And watch beautiful scenery pass by (I'd do this, if it weren't pitch black outside).

Instead, I'm left with some intermittent pondering. I'm heading home to see R! He's on the road, navigating through ice and fog to pick me up from the train station (2 hours from home). He's a lovely boy :)

This is luxury. Double seat, cos my seatmate forgot to get on at Glasgow :) Sug plocket for my Delia compy :) Enough leg room to curl up, cross legged, and type away to my heart's content, with no one looking through the gap in the seats over my shoulder.

My first ever proper Valentine's weekend! I'm thinking flowers, jewellry, romantic dinner a deux, woodland walks, bedtime cuddles... I might get the last one. I'm setting my expectations low... No disappointments. Nah, I'm (sort of) kidding. It's gonna be a fantastic weekend, even if we spend the whole time stuck in the house with his housemates in front of the telly. Just cos I get to spend time with R. Aww, I'm all mushy. Like a marshmallow.

Talking of edibles, I have cookies! Proper Millie's cookies! :D Num num num num num...

White spots in my vision

There is a limit to my snow tolerance. It was passed last Tuesday. Walking the 5miles round trip for hospital based tutorials is less than fun in clear weather. In 3 inches of (still falling) snow, it's a nightmare.

Especially getting there to find that the clinician teaching us had skived, so we were stuck with the Head of Anatomy - twat.

Bonus points: rest of the day off! :D

So I think the plan for this fine Thursday is to chill out with Langman's gross babies and a big mug of tea.

And tomorrow I'm going home! Yay! Valentine's weekend with R!
I am so excited! I've not seen him in over four weeks so it'll be a massively cuddly mushy reunion on the station platform. My first proper Valentine's, and I get to spend it with my gorgeous man :)

Fuses and future fear

I am in a state of indecision. Possibly due to yet another of my old school friends getting engaged. It's bridal bouquets and babies everywhere you look among my former classmates.
So it's prompted a bizarre look at the future. Pretty far into the future, actually, considering that the next six to eight years are pretty set in stone - stuck in my university area finishing degree and doing foundation years. No, I'm looking at old wrinklies future time...

I love R. But he has the temper of a petulant toddler. It is evident in his father. And mine. Isn't it said that you choose a man who reminds you of your father?

I hate the strops. The grumps. The tantrums. The sulks. The mardys. The 'I'm going to sit in my bedroom for the remainder of this evening, refuse to emerge, and refuse to communicate even through the bedroom door'.

Keep telling myselt it's all good practice for when the patter of tiny feet is finally heard in my life.

I can't help thinking that I only consider that R and I have a long term future because he is my first proper boyfriend. My first love. My longest relationship. Maybe if I had more experience in this, I wouldn't cling on to R like a liferaft to a Titanic survivor. I would be able to let him go, knowing that there are many more fish in the sea.

But R and I both know that we are not the people to give second chances. We are both on our second chances for minor indiscrepancies, many months past. But for big things? If I walked away, the path back does not exist. And if he left me, for whatever reason, I stand on too many principles to take him back.

The question remains, am I wasting time with R? Is Mr Right hiding just around the river bend, but I have to actually put my oar in the water, and push? Not just blindly float.

Meh, I'm on a down day. It's a week short of our 6 month anniversary. I'll keep floating. Life has waves. I just need it to lift and let me see the horizon again.

I love my boyfriend....

The day after Pre-Spain Drinkies (2), H and I were at the pub as normal. It sounds like I'm out every night painting the town red, but honestly, this was one crazy fortnight. It's not normal. I'm still recovering from sleep deprivation...

Anyway, H got a text from S saying he was coming to take us out, and had R with him. Cue H and I getting very excited, then horrified as we realised neither of us had perfume, make up, mints, hairbrush, etc.

I missed the look on J's face when R walked in. Apparently it was a mixture of jealousy and fury.

We went for a drink at 'our' bar, and then when we went to move on to a different bar, we realised that most places in town had shut. So we ignored the normal option (give up, go home) and instead did this.

Drove to Tesco to buy a DVD, wine, vodka, cherryade, cookies, Doritos, dip and Ben & Jerrys ice cream. Then drove to S's to watch the DVD while consuming everything else we'd bought. There's something surreal about eating Phish Food at 2am while watching Blades Of Glory.

But less surreal than realising its four am and that the sun's coming up. So we piled back in the car and drove. Drove for miles, out into the country, looking for somewhere to park to watch the sunrise. Aren't our men romantic?

We missed it. At least, we think we did. We were facing the wrong way, or behind trees, or just totally lost. It was a fun crazy road trip though. By this point it was five. Again, we could have called it a night then.

Nope. We headed over to H's, who lives practically surrounded by fields, grabbed a couple of blankets, and headed to the top of the nearest hill to watch the rest of the sunrise. We saw the first early morning blackbirds. We saw foxes frolicking across the meadows. A sparrowhawk circling the dewy fields. Rabbits leaping from grassy tussock to tussock. And a snail, who tried to invade our blanket. He went for a short flight.

It was so incredibly romantic, to be laying on a blanket watching the dawn chorus with R laying next to me. H and S were a short distance away, supposedly out of sight (although from what S said to me later on msn, he saw plenty of me and R). There's a fantastic video on R's phone of S and H wandering across the field in opposite directions to find bushes to pee in, and then you can hear R and I talking, and then a scream (from me) when S creeps up and puts the snail on R's head. But it captures that morning perfectly. The four of us hanging out companionably, yet having a lovely time with our other halves.

I saw R again the next afternoon (well, I guess it was that afternoon really). He'd had no sleep, having left H's at half six to be at work for seven, whereas H and I had crashed out on her sofa for a few hours. I went to decorate the house. Painting while hungover and sleep deprived is not generally a good idea. L found it entertaining anyway.

And I met R's mum for the second time. I met both his parents the first day I helped out with the house. His mum had turned up while we were wandering in from the garden, arms round each other, and although I wasn't introduced as the girlfriend, it was certainly implied. His Dad may have not immediately approved of me because at the time he appeared I was splattered with paint, as was R. Not much paint had made it onto the walls.

But his mum definitely likes me. Possibly because while R was arguing with her about something, I ignored him and started washing down the brickwork on the front of the house, which she'd been on at him to do for ages. See Mrs R, I'll be the perfect daughter in law. Did I really just say that? Argh.

Basically its all going fabulously. I was round at the caravan last Saturday (because the house is as yet not habitable) and hung out with R and L for a few hours. R and I went for a walk round the village, and then when we got back he asked me out :)

Then we broke up half an hour later.

It wasn't my fault! Much...

L and I were joking about how R was clearly second best because I'd got with S just weeks before. Then I was kidding about, saying R and I were only sharing in Spain because it was either that or two other lads.

R got majorly oversensitive about it. And broke up with me. Mardy arse.

So we both sulked for half an hour or so, while I sat under L's duvet on one sofa and R sat under his duvet on the other. Then much sweet apologising and kissing and making up followed. Which meant he had to ask me out again. Haha.

I am falling in love with R so fast it's unreal. He's the first thing I think of when I wake up, and I don't go to bed without texting him first to say good night. He does the same. The background on his phone is a picture of me on our last date, mucking around wearing a roman helmet at the museum. His profile pic on FB and msn is of the two of us out for a drink. I can't go more than a few days without seeing him. He blew off his man-date with S to hang out with me tonight so we don't spend the entire weekend apart.

We're quite coupley. He feeds me jaffa cakes. I change the settings on his phone. He lets me pack my excess baggage in his suitcase for Spain. I talk about him non-stop at work. His friends know everything about me. I refer to him as 'the boyfriend'. When we're together we're always touching, holding hands, hugging, kissing.

I love how we can go from a really romantic kiss to wrestling on the floor, from holding each other close to tickling, hand-holding to thumb-wars. We just click. He doesn't mind me going off on random tangents in the middle of conversations, whether its about umbrellas or some crazy idea for winning the apprentice. He mocks me for everything, but is quick to say sorry and kiss me if he oversteps the mark.

We have the nuttiest conversations about everything. Tinkerbelle wings on humans, stealing roadsigns, hats, just random crazy ideas about nothing. Occasionally now I'll make a comment when I'm talking to another friend and they'll look at me as if I'm cuckoo, and I have to remember that not everyone understands the conversations R and I have.

I don't care. This is my own little world, and right now it has R in it. I'm trying to be oblivious to the fact that this ends in September, that I wouldn't trust him being so far away and that I wouldn't cope with being away from him for so long. I know we're only been together officially for 6 days, but I can't stop myself.

I want to copy that scene from A Walk To Remember. When she says 'Promise me you won't fall in love with me'....

Officially the other half of R

Ok, so much has happened since I last managed to scribble anything down here that I'm a little lost myself. The basics are that R and I are now officially an item. As are H and S. Where would life be without Facebook's relationship status'?

I've lost track of how many times I've seen R. There was the pub/bowling night, which was pretty amazing. Stunningly amazing. Dinner at the pub was alright. I met his friend and housemate L, and we got on like a house on fire.
Then R, L, H, HW, and I went bowling. A bit of competitive banter between me and R, and L, and then we all got thrashed by L. Although he later described me as a 'worthy opponent'. Love it....
What happened after we left the bowling alley was just... surreal. I'd spent the evening being mocked for never having seen classic Disney, so we got out to the car park and R put his car stereo on, and puts 'Under The Sea' on. Somehow, over the next hour, the five of us ended up dancing in the moonlight, in this empty car park, to Disney tunes, and oldies Queen songs, and some funky S Club.

The following weekend I somehow managed to get roped into decorating. I'm not arty. I'm not even co-ordinated. Yet R and L willingly handed me a paint brush and let me loose on their new house. Muppets....

Another reason that R is totally amazing: he made me conquer my fear of heights.

He put the ladder up and then told me to climb up, while holding it secure. Oh, I should also mention that this ladder was positioned ON THE STAIRS, so I was as far from the floor as was humanly possible.

I was stood at the top of this ladder, holding tightly onto it with one hand, and gingerly painting with the other, when I turned slowly to ask for more paint to realise that R was just sat in the hallway, watching me. Not holding the ladder. Needless to say he ended up with a considerable stripe of paint down him for that.

But after that, I was up and down the ladder like a little painty monkey, standing backwards on the top rung and leaning out across the stairway to paint the whole hallway. A kind of Van Gogh - Tarzan hybrid, if you will. With two ears....

Then the following night was Double Date II. S was finally back from the wilds of the Lake District, so the four of us went for dinner. H and I displayed our wonderful lack of punctuality by only being half ready when the guys showed up at H's to pick us up, so guess which muppet had to wander downstairs sans make up with damp hair to open the door?

I got home at 3am the following morning, with the massivest grin plastered across my face.

Dinner at a lovely italian restuarant (paid for entirely by the men) was followed by drinks at what has now become 'our' bar. We played some pool, had a few drinks (supposedly paid for by us girlies, but I don't think it worked out like that), and the two couples had a little kiss n cuddle on their respective ends of the sofa.

Then we headed back to S's. I'd asked R a few days beforehand if I could borrow a DVD; namely Enchanted. Yes, the Disney one with Patrick Dempsey in it. Yep, R owns that. And knows all the words to the songs. So he'd brought it with him, and we all piled into S's front room to watch it, with some rose that S had nabbed from H's bbq the week before....

Driving home as the sun rose was kinda cool. I missed most of it. I was half asleep, stretched out across the back of the car with my head on R's chest and his arm round me. S was doing his normal 'I am a cop and therefore shall drive as if on blues n twos' driving, and R asked him to slow down, and then told him off for driving round corners too sharply cos I was asleep! Sweet... And then when we got to mine he had to wake me up. I would have resorted to poking, if not tickling. R didn't. Lovely, sweet R.

That night (being the same day that I'd got home at 3am) the four of us met up AGAIN, for Pre-Spain Drinkies, as it's now popularly known. Plus M, M's new whore, RF, and L. No, L and M's W aren't coming to Spain, but we felt like being inclusive. Especially cos some of the real crew couldn't make it.

S was doing all the introductions, because none of us knew M's W, and he introduced me as R's other half :)

And then nearly a week later R finally asked me out....

Making up for a lifetime of singledom

Jelly still has the massivest grin pasted across her face.

Not only was the double date absolutely fabulous, but R is still texting me as frequently as ever, and there has been another date since.

We took H along with us, cos originally it was gonna be a group night out, and then one by one everyone bailed, so we went to play pool and then H buggered off home about half way through the night.

Which was nice timing, actually, considering that R and I were just at the hand-holding, sitting-very-close-together, mushy-early-romance point then.

So we had half a night hanging out with just the two of us, and I think we managed it alright. Not too many silences, and any silences you do have while curled up on a window seat together don't tend to be too awkward anyway...

Finally I drove him home and we then proceeded to spend a further half hour parked on his driveway getting further aquainted. Fortunately his housemates were out...

I don't think anything can beat the first kiss moment, but a seriously amazingly second date kiss was alright by me. And the car still smells of him. It's all I can do not to inhale deeply every time I get in it now.

Oh, and Double Date II is already in the diaries for next weekend. S is away this week, so I have to put up with a mopey H while trying not to waffle on about how unbelievably lovely R is, especially since I promised I wouldn't put her in the 'friend-in-the-middle' position.

K knows about R and I. It isn't gonna be pretty when we next meet. Bring it on, girlfriend. He's mine... :D

Jelly and R, sitting in a tree...

I cannot wipe the grin off my face.

The most amazing, weirdest double date occurred last night. H, S, R and I went for a drink. Somehow in a few hours it morphed from a planned Pre-Spain drinkies event into a seriously mushy sweet date.

So... several wires have been uncrossed, and even more tangled.

S is with H. I am with R. Everything is looking fabulous.

Bitchin'

H has just really wound me up. Not even about the ultimatum thing, which to be honest, was something that needed saying at some point, and at least she did it tactfully.

When I said I'd speak to S about it, she started saying 'oh we could go for a drink with him after dance and then i'l just disappear to the bar so you two can talk'.

Yes, H, when I was 14 and needed your help to talk to boys, that would have been fine. However, I'm 19. I've grown up a bit. I don't have any issues with going out for a drink or coffee or whatever with S, just the two of us, and breaking the news myself.

I know she was trying to help, but it just irks me that she still seems to think I'm incapable of dealing with men. Ok, so I needed it pointing out to me that it was mean for me to continue hanging onto S and R, but I did realise that, I was just still in denial stage.

Surely its a forgivable offence if you take into account the mitigating circumstances that S was the first guy to show an interest in me that I didn't go to school with, that didn't know anything about me except how I am now? S was the first guy to show an interest in me in years. A took me out because he was forced into it by AH. J and I go back so far I don't even remember it starting.

I was so bowled over by the fact that a gorgeous, sexy, charming guy, one with a sensible job that even my mother approved of that I kinda lost track of the fact that we don't have much in common beyond H and Spain.

Who wouldn't be flattered by a bloke like S texting them constantly telling them they were sexy? I thrived on the attention.

I didn't count on meeting R. He didn't figure in my plans for a hassle-free summer romance with S before I left for the North.

Now I've got it sorted in my head. I want R. I'm falling for R, big time. I got myself into this 2-bloke mess, I'm quite capable of getting myself out of it.

H isn't one to talk, anyway. I don't think I'd have failed to notice that M was a whore.

Ultimatums, decisions, and soppy Jelly's...

H issued an ULTIMATUM, of sorts. Pick R or S, and stick to that decision. Tell them.

So... it didn't take much deliberation. S has been invited for coffee later this week. He is under the unfortunate illusion that it's a date.

H has also given me the script, or at least a rough outline. I quote:

"I really like you but if we do share a room in spain, I don't want you to be under the illusion that anything's gonna happen cos I don't really want that. You're a fab friend but I think we'd be better just staying as friends and if you're honest, I don't think you'd be into starting a relationship with me anyway"

I do plan to edit that somewhat...

I want to manage to get what he said about "being cautious about getting involved in anything in case it doesn't work out and messes up Spain" into the conversation without it being blatantly obvious that I'm simply throwing his words back at him.

That sounds like I'm being bitchy about this. Let's get this clear. I'm not.

The guilt of stringing along two guys was starting to set in, and I realised that even if R said he wasn't interested, I'd be too busy getting over that to go out with S anyway. Yes, first meeting to love in less than a week. I REALLY do fall head over heels sometimes.

Man waffle... ignore if wanting to preserve own sanity

Summer seems to be set on roller-coaster mode. One second I'm on top of the world, the next I'm wondering what tripped me up.

Just as I was falling for R, obstacles are appearing. Namely K (not K, my CPN...another K), H's other best friend (complicated? No..). She has apparently fancied R for ages. And was unfortunately with him last night when I was texting him. So she got a pretty good idea of the situation straight off.

Of course she had a slight advantage in knowing I was the enemy a good twenty-four hours before I was aware of this. So she used this time wisely to sow seeds of doubt, and subtly drop into conversation every tiny negative thing she could think of about my personality, friends, past boyfriends, etc.

No wonder I got a frosty reception when I saw her today.

Bitch.

Pointing out to my (potential) boyfriend that there's no way I'll sleep with him because of my faith is just scraping the barrel to piss me off. It's not something I'm ashamed of, and my religious views are stated quite clearly on my Facebook page! I don't keep it a secret!

What bothers me more is that K has now left H a little bit trapped between us. H is being amazing about it so far, passing on everything K says about me, and providing plenty of man-advice... which I can always do with!

I'm trying my darnest to follow the damn advice, but it involves playing it cool and not texting him as often. I'm only allowed to text him if he texts first, and I have to leave a suitable (i.e. >1/2 hour) delay before I reply. Thank goodness for msn... although I'm not allowed to initiate a conversation on that either.

Sigh...

I think I may have just nabbed myself a copy of the video of his last school play. Ok, so it was in exchange for the dvd of my dance school show, but what he doesn't know is that even my parents failed to recognise me in it :) And I can't see any downsides to him seeing me in a leotard and tights.

S hasn't text me since last night. The conversation revolved entirely around what he insists on referring to as 'S-loving'. Hmm... think we need to have words about Spanish sleeping arrangements if things go the way I'm hoping...