****

I am actually crying. It's a long time since I properly cried. I couldn't cry when I got the residue of chilli peppers on my contact lenses, and needed to irrigate it. I couldn't cry when I hated my flatmate to the point of wishing her dead (I don't, and I realise in hindsight it was an aspect of my mental illness rearing its head, but thoughts are thoughts). Yet I just got my exam results and my eyes are like fountains.

Not because I failed.

Not because I passed.

But because I got the best exam results I have EVER recieved, including full marks on our 30 credit (normal modules are only 20) module exam.

I've been home nearly half an hour. Known for more than thirty minutes that I passed, that I far exceeded by own expectations, even my own hopes.

Yet my eyes will not stop gushing. I cannot stop (quietly) bawling to myself. It is part relief. Tonight was the Medical Ball, and all night people from my year have been stopping by at our table to chat, and the main topic is "Are you celebrating?". Our results weren't supposed to be out til Tuesday, due to yet another clerical administration error, yet when I left theatres at 5pm(a very long story) I had a text screaming that results were up online.

I couldn't bear to check. To know again that I'd passed, but not by the margin I wished for. Not by the margins I needed to pull my (absymal) average up to something worthy of my efforts. So I went to the ball with no results. Told enquirers I figured I passed (so far, anecdotally only two people have failed, out of nearly two hundred) but wasn't gonna waste my night by being disappointed by the scores.

Got in past 1am. Drunk, tired, sore. Thought checking while drunk would be easier to bear than sober.

I didn't even want to check then. Wanted to put a hoodie over my pj's and curl up in bed. Check later. Maybe never. If an email arrives asking for a meeting, I failed. If not, pass. Despite my laptop sensing this, and three times ignoring the uni website link, or closing the tab, somehow the results page ended up open.

With a 17 and a 20. Out of 20.


Turns out that celebrating alone in the darkness of our sleepy flat (1 asleep, potentially newly engaged, 1 whoring herself out on the town) is lonely. But ok. The boyfriend has been texted. The new flatmate has been texted. I want so badly to call my parents but I think a 2am phonecall is usually badly recieved...

Every online msn buddy (ok, so the only online msn buddy) is being bombarded instead.

Bang goes my interesting tale of the registrar stabbing the consultant with a k-wire....

Twas the Night before Principles of Diseases...

Exam is in less 10 hours now.

I've done about 90 minutes studying all day.

But I did go for a lovely walk in the sunshine. Took some photo's of the park. Bought more unnecessary chocolate (Most of which is now gone, including a whole box of Cadbury's fingers. Yes. Obese. I know.)

Spent far too long stalking people on Facebook. Tweeting about irrevent crap. Trawling blogs.

Did I mention eating every sugary snack in the house?

Did laundry.

I said that I ate everything, right?

MIDNIGHT.

0031: Ohmigosh I have never heard of half these pharmacology terms!!!! And there are only 4 fingers left!

0042: Does anywhere sell wine at this time of night? Reachable on semi-drunk foot...

0112: WTF is polarity??? I just think polar bears!

0136: Msn chat with Faye about waffles. Not ADR's. A = augmented. B = bizarre. C =chronic. D = delayed. E = end of treatment. F = failure of treatment.

0138: Wish flatmate wouldnt shower at this time of night.

0158: Cold. Want to go to bed, but still tons to do. And there are no pillowcases on the bed.

0211: *Yawn* Finished Pharm. Now, bugsybusgsybugsy's...

0215: Using 4 year old lecture notes. Should have just attended the damn lecture. OH, was in hospital...

0229: Turns out, no, I hadn't finished Pharm. Can now cure most OD's/poisonings. I wish.

0237: MLIA break.

0245: Bugger. Not done cancer yet. Can I go to sleep now?

0246: Compromise with self. Will glance through notes now, and in morning. Will then ssleeep.

0255: Found MCQ's in back of Learning Guide.

0312: 84% on MCQ's. Pharm good, Cancer bad. SLEEP

I have cupcakes and I'm not afraid to use them.

Procrastination central. It's here. I just made cupcakes (minus frosting - does that make them muffins? Or just naked?). And did all my ironing. And the washing up. Twice. And I spent the afternoon at my job, pretending that summarising medical records counts as revision, as opposed to the truth - I do know the baby vacc schedule inside out, but I learnt more about psychosexual dysfunction this afternoon than pharmacology. I think we all know which one is on the exam.

The stress is here. I just screamed at the landlady/flatmate for standing outside banging/shouting/whistling for half an hour (she's lost her keys - don't get me started on the fact that this means our flat is left unlocked if she leaves last). The stress is also in part due to a minor altercation with the boy. His housemates are moving out to buy a house together, so he's having house issues. Why does that sound familiar, huh? Oh, and I tripped over thin air/my own big feet and broke my scaphoid. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, maybe because I did that last-year-just-before-big-exams. *Grumble*. One day, one fine day, I will get through an exam season without a medical drama.

Tomorrow's lecture is cancelled, so more chances to sleep in/revise Tumour Pathology over breakfast.

13 days...

Knife, back, meet.

I still like Haem-Onc. Hehe. Guilty. Though I think it's more that I love clinical teaching, and I adore our consultants. And they have a fondness for grilling us on drugs, so yay! :D

Exams are a little too close. Eesh. And minor backstabby bitchiness is occuring. There are only a few past papers available, and these have been sourced from people in higher years. And certain lovely people have made tables of all the diseases we have to know, and the aetiology, pathogenesis, prognosis, epidemiology, treatment... There are also quiz sheets, fact cards, lists of common bacteria and antibiotics... The list goes on. Either way, as far as I can see the stuff is going in circles. I keep getting emails going "hey, didn't know if you had this, enjoy!". Strangely, when I mention x past paper to someone, they say "What x paper?" Even within our friendship group (strained, stretched, and amorphic), people are being skipped and deliberately left out of the loop.

I can say honestly that I've sent on everything I've been asked for to everyone who asked for it. I cannot say I've forwarded everything I have to everyone I know. I'm a bitch, I admit it.

If this is summer, where is sunshine?

I'm home. Shattered. Still jobless, with 11 CV's out. Neither of my projects this summer have got back to me either.

However - I WON THE PSYCHOSOCIAL PRIZE!!! Jointly, with a guy who totally deserves it, but WOO!!! Very chuffed with myself for that.

Spent the day with the boyf :) Spent last night over there, got totally bepuzzled by the finale of Ashes to Ashes, went to the aquarium today, saw lots of fishes, fell in love with flatfish again, and grew more and more irritate by the high pitched shrieks of "I've found Nemo!" from every single small child there. Saw the entire in-law family, including having tea with Uncle C and Granny S! Fortunately it went well, accompanied with a hastily procured bunch of flowers! Well, she did sew my damaged skirt up this term, as well as providing the most lavish tea I've seen in a while!

Totally love-hate with R right now. Head over heels in love with him, but more and more annoying things are coming out. Possibly because he's working 13 hour shifts nearly every day off the week, and I'm post-prozac with jetlag. But gah! Temper, temper! And if I have to tattoo the word 'tolerance' onto his eyes, I will!
All things being equal, I'll admit to freaking out over his tale of the lost V. I had a fairytale romantic story in my head, due to the subsequent heartbreak around the ex, and that was cruelly dashed by the truth of drunken encounters at a party, before they were officially together. I was pretty gutted to find that out, to be honest. I still hate that I wasn't his first, and I guess I kinda thought that if it couldn't be with me then I had hoped it was lost honourably. But past is past. I can't get on my high horse, since my V was lost pretty dishonourably too, in the aftermath of his infidelity. I can say with as much false conviction as possible that I did it because it made me realise that I loved him, and that I was willing to overlook that mistake in the light of apologies and remorse. But subconsciously? I'd almost lost him, and I didn't want that to happen. So I gave away the one thing I still had to give. I'm not proud of that. I don't regret sleeping with R at all. I just regret the timing. We all make mistakes.

Gah where did my cheery 'start of summer' mood go to?! I have beautiful 'exam congratulations' roses, very scrumptious 'prize congratulations' chocolates (both from R) and a swish bottle of wine from the parentals to celebrate both those occasions!

Girly lunch later this week with a very sunburnt friend, to find out exactly how gruesome her legs look and whether the Fucidin is helping... Oh, the silly things we do in the name of vanity....

Final Fresher's Fondness

I missed out 2 whole days of blogging! May the bloggod spear me with his lightening emoticons.

So... Monday - Amnesia. I may have slept.
Tuesday - RESULTS! I passed all 3 of my modules, my little flatmate passed all hers plus her resit, and my big flatmate passed too! And... I'm in line for a prize for the psychosocial module! So far I'm in the top 3 out of our year group! Still pretty much in shock over that, seeing as I was getting pretty nervous as to whether I'd even passed that exam!
Early start tomorrow for tutor meeting and then Prize Viva! Trying not to revise... trying, and will probably fail by bedtime.

R and I's 1 year anniversary is fast approaching, and our relationship is stepping up a gear too - I'm moving in for the week that his housemates are on holiday. I'm not entirely sure how well this will go. He's working a lot of overtime, and I'm currently unemployed. Domestic bliss it will not be.

What is domestic bliss is that I made cakes today! From the remnants of flour, sugar, cereal, sultanas, smarties, and milk laying around the kitchen. Creative, huh? And they don't seem to have poisoned anyone yet, so bonus points! All the crockery, cutlery, and other cooking-concerned condiments are packed away in boxes, ready for the great Halls Exodus on Friday. As if the pile of boxes isn't already at head height...

More sun, more cider, and more s.... annoying-the-male-friend's-new-girlf

Tis apparently the last day of summer up North, and my sunburn will attest this fact for many weeks to come. The fronts and backs of my legs are nicely pink (3/4 days to tan), however that leaves a very white stripe down the side. I am adidas. I have been reeboked. Whatever. I look ridiculous.

And last night I managed to step on an upturned drawing pin. The Mother has kindly checked the vaccination records, and informed me that my tetanus has run out. Yay. So my day at the beach tomorrow is being interrupted by a GP appointment for a top up. Probably appropriate, seeing as I spent today wandering barefoot outside, with an open puncture wound.

Hopefully this run of bad luck can end tomorrow. We have a second viewing of the flat we saw on Friday night, because our other flatmate was away - another excuse to meet HOTTT property owner and reassess the place without having our moneyman over our shoulders.

Results on Tuesday! I even took my anatomy book sunbathing with me today, in the hope of prize orals! Or just cos I'm a geek. Either or.

As for the new girlf of my favourite male uni-based friend (as, of course, R is my best male friend). She is under the bizarre delusion that I have designs on her man. I don't, obviously, but it is hilarious to watch her bristle at finding him and me sunbathing together, otherwise alone.

Life - going up!

The sun is shining, exams are over, the hangover is gone, and we have a viewing on a flat next week! Life is goood!

*celebratory exams-are-over dance*

And it's all over. Second year here I come! Conditional to results, etc...

OSPE went pretty well, aside from mistaking the trachea for a bladder - it was a VERY vague CT! I'm 99% sure I'v passed this module, just need to wait and see if I get a decent mark from it! Fingers crossed for an 18 or above...

Celebrations began as soon as the OSPE let out. Pub lunch, girly shopping under the influence :) Then a quick nap before the evening started! Quickly exceeded the previous alcohol intake record, and yet didn't feel drunk... this morning is less hungover than normal too. Oh no! Tolerance!!!

Finally on the downhill slope to summer and home now. 8 days til the parentals arrive - just need to tackle the issue of 'how on earth do I get all my stuff into the car?!'

24 hours til freedom!

Finally, the balance has tipped in favour of less exams to go than have been done!

I have super cool new shoes on the way, a fabulous new dress to celebrate in, and I think I did pretty well on today's exam! And the sun is shining!

I did kill the imaginary patient who was in DKA however. I gave him dextrose and no insulin. Although I did prevent a hyperkalaemic arrhythmia by prescribing something I'd only ever heard of from House!

1 down, 2 to go!

I think that went ok... more common sense questions than any request for factual information, but as I have been frequently told, I have no common sense. Anyway, now I've proved I can come up with five reasons, beyond low income, to explain why a mother cannot provide healthy food for her children, without using the 'she has deeply ingrained psychological issues from her own obesity and feels the need to mold her children to her own body shape. Feeding them healthily would be like suicide' line, or similar bull.

Must go relearn hormones. As if I don't have enough of them already...

15 hours....

First exam tomorrow! For some reason, I'm more scared than I was before January exams! Probably because I know I can pass these, as strange as that sounds. The stress is over whether I can get a decent mark to reflect this year. I want a distinction in at least one module, dammit! A 10 & a 16 do not reflect how I feel this year went!

Chill....

Gonna put my feet up with a new DVD (The Last Kiss), and possibly skim over models of stress.

3 days, and this will all be done with :D

The Fear is here.

And shows no signs of waning.

Thankfully the library has finally succumbed to demand and agreed to an extra hour on weeknights. Although the only weeknight before exams start is... tonight. ARGH!!!

Finally got down to the anatomy lab today. I think that induced the Fear. I know NOTHING. I picked up a 'uterus', only for someone to go "ooh, a bladder!" We may only have 2 body regions to learn for this exam, but there's a pretty huge amount of stuff crammed in there! Not to mention Mr Anatomy's obsession with lymph. Bleh.

On the good side, I got my MRI results back! I've fractured the distal tubercle of my scaphoid, and longitudinally fractured my lunate. And according to the (fourth!) set of x-rays, the scaphoid injury is an old one! So much for my claim of never having broken a bone! Ah well, still get my extra time in exams :)

Anything else happened? Erm... nah. As for the outside world, I haven't seen it recently. Ask me again on Wednesday.