I have cupcakes and I'm not afraid to use them.

Procrastination central. It's here. I just made cupcakes (minus frosting - does that make them muffins? Or just naked?). And did all my ironing. And the washing up. Twice. And I spent the afternoon at my job, pretending that summarising medical records counts as revision, as opposed to the truth - I do know the baby vacc schedule inside out, but I learnt more about psychosexual dysfunction this afternoon than pharmacology. I think we all know which one is on the exam.

The stress is here. I just screamed at the landlady/flatmate for standing outside banging/shouting/whistling for half an hour (she's lost her keys - don't get me started on the fact that this means our flat is left unlocked if she leaves last). The stress is also in part due to a minor altercation with the boy. His housemates are moving out to buy a house together, so he's having house issues. Why does that sound familiar, huh? Oh, and I tripped over thin air/my own big feet and broke my scaphoid. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, maybe because I did that last-year-just-before-big-exams. *Grumble*. One day, one fine day, I will get through an exam season without a medical drama.

Tomorrow's lecture is cancelled, so more chances to sleep in/revise Tumour Pathology over breakfast.

13 days...

Summer has... started?

Greetings (to myself, clearly, since my blog readership = nil).

Since last time... Earnt £114 selling strawberries. Got extremely tanned doing so. Went to York with the boyf to celebrate one year together! Had an awesome time doing the round of museums and places like Clifford's Tower & The Minster, and then spent the day itself out at Brimham Rocks, which I ADORE. Been going to Brimham since I was a kid, and R loved it just as much, scrambling up 30ft boulders without a care in the world. Amazing views right across the Dales, too. Anyway, 1 year down, many more to go, I hope :)

Got a few employment options to pursue now.
There's shifts going as a factory packer in the city, which honestly sounds like the suckiest slave labour ever. Gonna inquire about wages before I even consider that, I think.
Option 2 is ringing up the events company I worked for at the show and asking what they have. My friend who also did the show is spending the weekend at York races with the company, so looks like work IS available. And £50/day isn't at all bad...
The third choice is actually sending out my forms for the Independant Hospital! They've been in my handbag for weeks cos I can't ever get round to finishing them!

I have progress on the CV-relevant funtimes too - the ambulance service is all sorted, and I'm going in on Monday to meet my placement supervisor and chat about what I'll actually be doing, and then the following Monday I'm in!
I got a consultant from my work experience times (07!) to agree to let me tag along for a week with him too, so that's my Ortho experience for this summer totally sorted! I'm pretty psyched for this - it's been two years since I've seen theatre and I cannot wait to get scrubbed, and this time I might get to assist, or at least stand by the table! Woo! :D
As for the rest... Well. Research Supervisor is currently unresponsive. And I can't confirm my audit back in UniTown until some of these placements start dropping into place and I can actually offer firm dates.

A flat to stay in while doing my audit would be uber-helpful, too. I'm actually looking into 1-beds right now, as a 'just-in-case'. We've bid on 3 properties, and so far - zilch. Mum & I have kinda set a mental deadline of end of August before we start panicking! Gah! We just need this place to be perfect, since it's a sale, not a rental, and therefore it's gonna be our (me, K, & E) home for the next 3 or so years (until K gets married, and I intercalate).

Chill, Jell-o. Pour out another glass of the Vin-o and chill-o.

Domestic bliss

Just got back after a night at the boyf's. He's been working non-stop recently, so we took advantage of him finishing at 7pm yesterday and not starting til 10am today to go out. Went to see The Hangover, which is awesome! The whole audience were wetting themselves laughing - it was more surreal than purile, thankfully! I wasn't really in the mood for toilet jokes, but finding Mike Tyson's tiger in the bathroom? Definitely :D

Another day of doing nothing, I think... Domestic stuff, plus a quick trawl of houses for sale in uni-town, since I'm still homeless there, and a lengthy trawl of cars for sale in home-town. Not that I need a car until I get a job, but there's no harm being prepared!

The boyf has finally asked me to cough up some cash towards bills to ingratiate the housemates. Not that they've started complaining yet, but given the unreserved hatred of the last girlfriend to assume residency, I'm more than happy to throw some cash in their direction! It's fair enough, I do live there about 3/7 of the time, and I'm not paying rent anywhere else yet.
I'm moving in for a week in about 10 days, while the housies are on holiday - I'm being turned into a domestic goddess while R is out at work! He's expecting dinner on the table when he gets in and everything! So long as he doesn't expect me to clean out the rat trap, I don't mind...

Hometime is just being spent getting creative! I've turned a scrap of knitting into a funky wrist cuff, complete with gothic studs, and made some buttoned patches to turn into new cushion covers for when we finally get a sofa in the new uni house. The next step is to finally get those penny earrings done, but the cat disapproves quite strongly of me using the drill...

If this is summer, where is sunshine?

I'm home. Shattered. Still jobless, with 11 CV's out. Neither of my projects this summer have got back to me either.

However - I WON THE PSYCHOSOCIAL PRIZE!!! Jointly, with a guy who totally deserves it, but WOO!!! Very chuffed with myself for that.

Spent the day with the boyf :) Spent last night over there, got totally bepuzzled by the finale of Ashes to Ashes, went to the aquarium today, saw lots of fishes, fell in love with flatfish again, and grew more and more irritate by the high pitched shrieks of "I've found Nemo!" from every single small child there. Saw the entire in-law family, including having tea with Uncle C and Granny S! Fortunately it went well, accompanied with a hastily procured bunch of flowers! Well, she did sew my damaged skirt up this term, as well as providing the most lavish tea I've seen in a while!

Totally love-hate with R right now. Head over heels in love with him, but more and more annoying things are coming out. Possibly because he's working 13 hour shifts nearly every day off the week, and I'm post-prozac with jetlag. But gah! Temper, temper! And if I have to tattoo the word 'tolerance' onto his eyes, I will!
All things being equal, I'll admit to freaking out over his tale of the lost V. I had a fairytale romantic story in my head, due to the subsequent heartbreak around the ex, and that was cruelly dashed by the truth of drunken encounters at a party, before they were officially together. I was pretty gutted to find that out, to be honest. I still hate that I wasn't his first, and I guess I kinda thought that if it couldn't be with me then I had hoped it was lost honourably. But past is past. I can't get on my high horse, since my V was lost pretty dishonourably too, in the aftermath of his infidelity. I can say with as much false conviction as possible that I did it because it made me realise that I loved him, and that I was willing to overlook that mistake in the light of apologies and remorse. But subconsciously? I'd almost lost him, and I didn't want that to happen. So I gave away the one thing I still had to give. I'm not proud of that. I don't regret sleeping with R at all. I just regret the timing. We all make mistakes.

Gah where did my cheery 'start of summer' mood go to?! I have beautiful 'exam congratulations' roses, very scrumptious 'prize congratulations' chocolates (both from R) and a swish bottle of wine from the parentals to celebrate both those occasions!

Girly lunch later this week with a very sunburnt friend, to find out exactly how gruesome her legs look and whether the Fucidin is helping... Oh, the silly things we do in the name of vanity....

Final Fresher's Fondness

I missed out 2 whole days of blogging! May the bloggod spear me with his lightening emoticons.

So... Monday - Amnesia. I may have slept.
Tuesday - RESULTS! I passed all 3 of my modules, my little flatmate passed all hers plus her resit, and my big flatmate passed too! And... I'm in line for a prize for the psychosocial module! So far I'm in the top 3 out of our year group! Still pretty much in shock over that, seeing as I was getting pretty nervous as to whether I'd even passed that exam!
Early start tomorrow for tutor meeting and then Prize Viva! Trying not to revise... trying, and will probably fail by bedtime.

R and I's 1 year anniversary is fast approaching, and our relationship is stepping up a gear too - I'm moving in for the week that his housemates are on holiday. I'm not entirely sure how well this will go. He's working a lot of overtime, and I'm currently unemployed. Domestic bliss it will not be.

What is domestic bliss is that I made cakes today! From the remnants of flour, sugar, cereal, sultanas, smarties, and milk laying around the kitchen. Creative, huh? And they don't seem to have poisoned anyone yet, so bonus points! All the crockery, cutlery, and other cooking-concerned condiments are packed away in boxes, ready for the great Halls Exodus on Friday. As if the pile of boxes isn't already at head height...

*celebratory exams-are-over dance*

And it's all over. Second year here I come! Conditional to results, etc...

OSPE went pretty well, aside from mistaking the trachea for a bladder - it was a VERY vague CT! I'm 99% sure I'v passed this module, just need to wait and see if I get a decent mark from it! Fingers crossed for an 18 or above...

Celebrations began as soon as the OSPE let out. Pub lunch, girly shopping under the influence :) Then a quick nap before the evening started! Quickly exceeded the previous alcohol intake record, and yet didn't feel drunk... this morning is less hungover than normal too. Oh no! Tolerance!!!

Finally on the downhill slope to summer and home now. 8 days til the parentals arrive - just need to tackle the issue of 'how on earth do I get all my stuff into the car?!'

Romance and Reproduction

Beautiful weekend back home with the boyf :) All those hours stuck on scummy trains was worth it, even though a week later I'm still battling a virus I caught on said train.
So I have flowers covering the smell of eau de sock, and putting up with lily dust dropping onto my keys constantly. There are smelly fake rose petals too, for when the real ones die off. My R thinks of everything :)

- - -

I have no idea where this week of classes disappeared to. My orbitalis frontalis is all wrinkled at the very thought. In fact I've done so little that I'm not even certain I haven't just invented a new muscle.
We've left reproductive behind, moving onto the complete pisstake that is the renal system. I LIKED repro, however gross it was and however much it made me want to opt for a C section. The anatomy made sense. It correlated with the physiology. And there was loads of clinical stuff :D

15 year old female with amenorrhoea. I knew everyone else would suggest the HPO axis problems. Screw that. Option A: she's pregnant. Option B: she's on contraceptives that cease menstruation and failed to understand this.

Apparently my thought process makes me cynical and negative, according to our repro tutor. Ah well. I don't do thinking outside the box very often, so when I do, it makes me smile.

Reminds me of the time in Primary, when we were asked 'what is a table?' in Maths class. Lil Jelly: "Piece of wood with four legs." Oh I got a bollocking for that one...

Training the heart to hold...

I'm on a train. As I was three hours ago. I will still be on a train in another three hours. How did Scotland and England end up so far apart?

I don't actually mind long solitary journeys. It's a nice opportunity to chill out by myself and think (I'd do this if there wasn't some loud Scotch lass down the carriage from me). And watch beautiful scenery pass by (I'd do this, if it weren't pitch black outside).

Instead, I'm left with some intermittent pondering. I'm heading home to see R! He's on the road, navigating through ice and fog to pick me up from the train station (2 hours from home). He's a lovely boy :)

This is luxury. Double seat, cos my seatmate forgot to get on at Glasgow :) Sug plocket for my Delia compy :) Enough leg room to curl up, cross legged, and type away to my heart's content, with no one looking through the gap in the seats over my shoulder.

My first ever proper Valentine's weekend! I'm thinking flowers, jewellry, romantic dinner a deux, woodland walks, bedtime cuddles... I might get the last one. I'm setting my expectations low... No disappointments. Nah, I'm (sort of) kidding. It's gonna be a fantastic weekend, even if we spend the whole time stuck in the house with his housemates in front of the telly. Just cos I get to spend time with R. Aww, I'm all mushy. Like a marshmallow.

Talking of edibles, I have cookies! Proper Millie's cookies! :D Num num num num num...

Home SweetnSour Home

After many, many hours cooped up in a sardine tin, I am HOME!!!

The sofa has never been so comfy.

Lets see how long it takes for the novelty to wear off and my mum to badger me into doing chores again...

I love my boyfriend....

The day after Pre-Spain Drinkies (2), H and I were at the pub as normal. It sounds like I'm out every night painting the town red, but honestly, this was one crazy fortnight. It's not normal. I'm still recovering from sleep deprivation...

Anyway, H got a text from S saying he was coming to take us out, and had R with him. Cue H and I getting very excited, then horrified as we realised neither of us had perfume, make up, mints, hairbrush, etc.

I missed the look on J's face when R walked in. Apparently it was a mixture of jealousy and fury.

We went for a drink at 'our' bar, and then when we went to move on to a different bar, we realised that most places in town had shut. So we ignored the normal option (give up, go home) and instead did this.

Drove to Tesco to buy a DVD, wine, vodka, cherryade, cookies, Doritos, dip and Ben & Jerrys ice cream. Then drove to S's to watch the DVD while consuming everything else we'd bought. There's something surreal about eating Phish Food at 2am while watching Blades Of Glory.

But less surreal than realising its four am and that the sun's coming up. So we piled back in the car and drove. Drove for miles, out into the country, looking for somewhere to park to watch the sunrise. Aren't our men romantic?

We missed it. At least, we think we did. We were facing the wrong way, or behind trees, or just totally lost. It was a fun crazy road trip though. By this point it was five. Again, we could have called it a night then.

Nope. We headed over to H's, who lives practically surrounded by fields, grabbed a couple of blankets, and headed to the top of the nearest hill to watch the rest of the sunrise. We saw the first early morning blackbirds. We saw foxes frolicking across the meadows. A sparrowhawk circling the dewy fields. Rabbits leaping from grassy tussock to tussock. And a snail, who tried to invade our blanket. He went for a short flight.

It was so incredibly romantic, to be laying on a blanket watching the dawn chorus with R laying next to me. H and S were a short distance away, supposedly out of sight (although from what S said to me later on msn, he saw plenty of me and R). There's a fantastic video on R's phone of S and H wandering across the field in opposite directions to find bushes to pee in, and then you can hear R and I talking, and then a scream (from me) when S creeps up and puts the snail on R's head. But it captures that morning perfectly. The four of us hanging out companionably, yet having a lovely time with our other halves.

I saw R again the next afternoon (well, I guess it was that afternoon really). He'd had no sleep, having left H's at half six to be at work for seven, whereas H and I had crashed out on her sofa for a few hours. I went to decorate the house. Painting while hungover and sleep deprived is not generally a good idea. L found it entertaining anyway.

And I met R's mum for the second time. I met both his parents the first day I helped out with the house. His mum had turned up while we were wandering in from the garden, arms round each other, and although I wasn't introduced as the girlfriend, it was certainly implied. His Dad may have not immediately approved of me because at the time he appeared I was splattered with paint, as was R. Not much paint had made it onto the walls.

But his mum definitely likes me. Possibly because while R was arguing with her about something, I ignored him and started washing down the brickwork on the front of the house, which she'd been on at him to do for ages. See Mrs R, I'll be the perfect daughter in law. Did I really just say that? Argh.

Basically its all going fabulously. I was round at the caravan last Saturday (because the house is as yet not habitable) and hung out with R and L for a few hours. R and I went for a walk round the village, and then when we got back he asked me out :)

Then we broke up half an hour later.

It wasn't my fault! Much...

L and I were joking about how R was clearly second best because I'd got with S just weeks before. Then I was kidding about, saying R and I were only sharing in Spain because it was either that or two other lads.

R got majorly oversensitive about it. And broke up with me. Mardy arse.

So we both sulked for half an hour or so, while I sat under L's duvet on one sofa and R sat under his duvet on the other. Then much sweet apologising and kissing and making up followed. Which meant he had to ask me out again. Haha.

I am falling in love with R so fast it's unreal. He's the first thing I think of when I wake up, and I don't go to bed without texting him first to say good night. He does the same. The background on his phone is a picture of me on our last date, mucking around wearing a roman helmet at the museum. His profile pic on FB and msn is of the two of us out for a drink. I can't go more than a few days without seeing him. He blew off his man-date with S to hang out with me tonight so we don't spend the entire weekend apart.

We're quite coupley. He feeds me jaffa cakes. I change the settings on his phone. He lets me pack my excess baggage in his suitcase for Spain. I talk about him non-stop at work. His friends know everything about me. I refer to him as 'the boyfriend'. When we're together we're always touching, holding hands, hugging, kissing.

I love how we can go from a really romantic kiss to wrestling on the floor, from holding each other close to tickling, hand-holding to thumb-wars. We just click. He doesn't mind me going off on random tangents in the middle of conversations, whether its about umbrellas or some crazy idea for winning the apprentice. He mocks me for everything, but is quick to say sorry and kiss me if he oversteps the mark.

We have the nuttiest conversations about everything. Tinkerbelle wings on humans, stealing roadsigns, hats, just random crazy ideas about nothing. Occasionally now I'll make a comment when I'm talking to another friend and they'll look at me as if I'm cuckoo, and I have to remember that not everyone understands the conversations R and I have.

I don't care. This is my own little world, and right now it has R in it. I'm trying to be oblivious to the fact that this ends in September, that I wouldn't trust him being so far away and that I wouldn't cope with being away from him for so long. I know we're only been together officially for 6 days, but I can't stop myself.

I want to copy that scene from A Walk To Remember. When she says 'Promise me you won't fall in love with me'....

Officially the other half of R

Ok, so much has happened since I last managed to scribble anything down here that I'm a little lost myself. The basics are that R and I are now officially an item. As are H and S. Where would life be without Facebook's relationship status'?

I've lost track of how many times I've seen R. There was the pub/bowling night, which was pretty amazing. Stunningly amazing. Dinner at the pub was alright. I met his friend and housemate L, and we got on like a house on fire.
Then R, L, H, HW, and I went bowling. A bit of competitive banter between me and R, and L, and then we all got thrashed by L. Although he later described me as a 'worthy opponent'. Love it....
What happened after we left the bowling alley was just... surreal. I'd spent the evening being mocked for never having seen classic Disney, so we got out to the car park and R put his car stereo on, and puts 'Under The Sea' on. Somehow, over the next hour, the five of us ended up dancing in the moonlight, in this empty car park, to Disney tunes, and oldies Queen songs, and some funky S Club.

The following weekend I somehow managed to get roped into decorating. I'm not arty. I'm not even co-ordinated. Yet R and L willingly handed me a paint brush and let me loose on their new house. Muppets....

Another reason that R is totally amazing: he made me conquer my fear of heights.

He put the ladder up and then told me to climb up, while holding it secure. Oh, I should also mention that this ladder was positioned ON THE STAIRS, so I was as far from the floor as was humanly possible.

I was stood at the top of this ladder, holding tightly onto it with one hand, and gingerly painting with the other, when I turned slowly to ask for more paint to realise that R was just sat in the hallway, watching me. Not holding the ladder. Needless to say he ended up with a considerable stripe of paint down him for that.

But after that, I was up and down the ladder like a little painty monkey, standing backwards on the top rung and leaning out across the stairway to paint the whole hallway. A kind of Van Gogh - Tarzan hybrid, if you will. With two ears....

Then the following night was Double Date II. S was finally back from the wilds of the Lake District, so the four of us went for dinner. H and I displayed our wonderful lack of punctuality by only being half ready when the guys showed up at H's to pick us up, so guess which muppet had to wander downstairs sans make up with damp hair to open the door?

I got home at 3am the following morning, with the massivest grin plastered across my face.

Dinner at a lovely italian restuarant (paid for entirely by the men) was followed by drinks at what has now become 'our' bar. We played some pool, had a few drinks (supposedly paid for by us girlies, but I don't think it worked out like that), and the two couples had a little kiss n cuddle on their respective ends of the sofa.

Then we headed back to S's. I'd asked R a few days beforehand if I could borrow a DVD; namely Enchanted. Yes, the Disney one with Patrick Dempsey in it. Yep, R owns that. And knows all the words to the songs. So he'd brought it with him, and we all piled into S's front room to watch it, with some rose that S had nabbed from H's bbq the week before....

Driving home as the sun rose was kinda cool. I missed most of it. I was half asleep, stretched out across the back of the car with my head on R's chest and his arm round me. S was doing his normal 'I am a cop and therefore shall drive as if on blues n twos' driving, and R asked him to slow down, and then told him off for driving round corners too sharply cos I was asleep! Sweet... And then when we got to mine he had to wake me up. I would have resorted to poking, if not tickling. R didn't. Lovely, sweet R.

That night (being the same day that I'd got home at 3am) the four of us met up AGAIN, for Pre-Spain Drinkies, as it's now popularly known. Plus M, M's new whore, RF, and L. No, L and M's W aren't coming to Spain, but we felt like being inclusive. Especially cos some of the real crew couldn't make it.

S was doing all the introductions, because none of us knew M's W, and he introduced me as R's other half :)

And then nearly a week later R finally asked me out....

Take a bow...

The dance show has finally been and gone, and already I'm missing the shrill screaming of the baby ballet group trying to be first in line for the glitter spray, not to mention Mr Clearly Gay tap dancer trying to steal my eye-shadow.

I've had a fabulous week in rehearsal, spending every waking minute thinking about lighting and costumes. My adult stage debut was hardly a roaring success, but it's passed without major incident (barring one massive stumble in a pirouette on the only night my family were in the audience).

I cannot believe I didn't get into this before. I adored every second of being on stage, knowing that there were 150 people who'd paid to watch me (and the other dance school students) perform. I'm already signed up to continue with ballet for the next term, as well as starting jazz (tomorrow! Can't wait!)

I still have my stage make-up on, so I look like a clown, pretty much, but I'm loath to take it off cos I love the whole effect with my neon dance clothes and leg warmers.

Here's hoping that Scotland has adult dance classes!!

Budge over Bridget, this is Jelly Jones, chronic singleton

And the curse of the chronic singleton has struck again.

Shock horror, I got a text on Thurs afternoon, thanking me for a lovely evening, telling me I was an amazing girl, and then going on to say that Mr Perfect would just like to be friends. Apparently, there was no chemistry. Bastard.

However, when God closes a window, He opens a door. Ok, so I probably shouldn't take religion out of context to make a point about relationships, but Mr Not-Quite-As-Perfect-But-The-Best-Option-I've-Had-In-A-While has appeared in my life.

Yet another friend of a friend. I really should stop relying on my mates to set me up with lads. However, this one, S, actually seems to enjoy my company and wants to meet up again!

So I'm mentioning him no more, in case I curse yet another promising relationship.

Perfection in man form

I had my first ever first-date last night. Don't get me wrong, there have been boyfriends, just no first date.

A is perfection in man form. We were introduced by AH, a mutual friend (who I owe muchos drinks to for setting us up!) and after much texting in the intervening two weeks, we met up last night for what was supposedly a quick drink.

Three hours later, we went home, having had a long chat about... pretty much everything. Families, futures, college, school, uni, friends, sport, music, God, America, the definition of 'modern history'. You name it, it was probably discussed.

Of course, at some point he did inevitably discover that I am certifiably crazy and a complete control freak with major OCD issues. So he spent the next hour or so pushing my drink (which he paid for - gotta love a proper gentleman) around the table, knowing that he was driving me nuts.

But he was so adorably gorgeous, sweet, funny, caring, cute, etc, etc, that I could easily put up with the drink-pushing.

I did manage to say the dumbest, blondest things ever. "Do they have camels in Texas?" I don't know, Jelly, why the hell would there be camels in Texas?! I have no idea what possessed me to say something so blatantly stupid.

My only gripe is that he loves to travel, wants to see the world. I want to stay in the UK, permanently. But I guess that's a difference that we can iron out should we ever need to (not that I imagine it will get to that point, given my history of mucking up relationships).

I have no idea what he thought of the evening, other than AH assured me via text this morning (while I was supposedly hard at work in the office) that she'll get all the goss off him tonight, and his so-far lack of texts post-date is just him being 'a typical man, not wanting to seem too keen'.

Or so I hope...

Normality postponed (temporarily)

Ok, so the abject happiness I was expecting didn't happen. Nor did the discharge from mental health. So I have another two weeks before I am 'normal'. Kind of a probation period, according to K, to see how I get on without her support.

So far, so not good.

I cried on leaving the centre. Partly cos I absolutely adore K and I'll miss having our weekly chats. Partly cos, like, what the hell will I do with my Wednesday afternoons now?!

But mainly cos, once again, I am out in the big wide world with a handful of leaflets and a head full of psychobabble.

I sat in the car and screamed like a big wussy baby.

Then a song came on the radio that had so many happy memories. Laughing with my bro, A. Driving six hours with H to hear this sung live.

And it made me smile.

Despite the fact that the rain is coming down in blankets, not sheets. Despite the fact that there is a massive pile of ironing calling to me. Despite the fact I have to go back to work tomorrow and face the arsey manager again.

I'm still smiling.

Therapy has made me a new person. Yep, there'll be setbacks. But I can cope with that.

Life's ups aren't half as good without the downs to define them.

Vegetarian, ye shall die a painful death

As told to me by a senior colleague the other day.

Ok, so she may have phrased it differently. The gist of it was that all vegetarians are anaemic and protein-deficient and don't have enough Omega-3 and something else. I think I tuned out for a bit.

I'm not the most strict vegetarian you'll ever meet (or meat, geddit? No? Oh...)

I eat my veg, but I hate most types of fruit, and if you take me to Damons, I will be ordering the BBQ ribs. The sauce is so fantastic it makes up for the rubbish meat underneath.

I don't even like the taste of meat any more. It's been five years since I was an omnivore and I don't think I'd go back. I love my Quorn, and my vegeburgers, and nut cutlets and everything.

But Ms "Ye shall burn in hell for your dis-service to the meat industry" has obviously implanted some thoughts in my head.

Meaning that breakfast now includes an Iron and Vitamin C tablet.

I'm also drinking Diet Coke plus antioxidant. Not for its super-drink powers. Just cos it was BOGOF in Tesco and I fancied trying it.

The verdict? No. Diet Coke and green tea were never meant to be in the same drink. Ever.

It does make me feel more healthy from drinking it. Not physically more healthy, obviously. But easing my conscience, like those freaks that think buying a Prius makes them eco-friendly, ignoring their three other cars with a carbon footprint the size of a Yeti. Numpties.

To the pointe

Ballet starts again tonight! I am possibly the least graceful or elegant person you'll ever meet. No sense of timing, rhythm, balance.

But at every opportunity my toes are pointed. I wear thin flats at work so whenever no-one is looking, I can stand en-pointe. Badly.

The show is, like, four weeks away and I am terrified. I don't know the routine properly, and I still struggle with some of the moves. I can't do a consistent pirouette to save my life. Argh!

I'm not a natural performer. I only started ballet less than a year ago. I'm unfit. I'm the wrong shape. I'm the shy-body. But I am longing to prove myself.

To prove to myself that I can dance. To prove to myself that I am good at creative things as well as academic.

So I can continue to pretend to be a female version of Billy Elliot when I'm alone, that I'm not just kidding myself that I can dance. So when someone asks, "do you dance?" I can say "Yes. I performed in my dance school's show this year."

So if you happen to be at an amateur dance show in a few weeks time, spare a thought for that tall, awkward looking dancer. The one looking at her fellow dancers, not the audience. The one stumbling through the moves. The one half a beat behind the rest of the group.

She'll be loving every minute.

Normality (t minus 1 week)

As of next Wednesday, I am officially normal.

My CBT course will be over and I will be freed from the clutches of the Centre.

I will finally get to wave goodbye to my buddy K.

I will never again have to beg for time off work to go to appointments.

Next week, I am officially discharged from the mental health team's caseload.

I'm gonna be a sane member of the public again!

Ok, so a little exaggerated, but I am just so ecstatic to be done with it. I've been on the mental health team's books since November, but I had my first psychiatric assessment as a toddler.

In this referral, I've had:

1 assessment

8 CBT sessions

9 Dr's appointments

7 blood tests

1 ECG

11 CPN appointments

900mg fluoxetine

10,000mg propranolol

Ok, so I still have 4 months of taking fluox, but that's for maintenance rather than treatment. I am officially in recovery!

I even double-checked with a friend. Apparently, I am noticeably happier and less stressed! Woo!

According to K, I'm visibly more confident.

I feel more confident.

I feel stronger.

More able to deal with what life might throw at me.

Ready to deal with my arse of a manager. I'm a new me. I'm not gonna take that patronizing shit any more.

Get ready world. There's a new Jelly in town.

Sweaty, smelly & dog tired... but feeling absolutely fantastic

I love my gym. Honestly, I would live there given the opportunity. I can only hope that the Uni gym is as nice.

Despite not having set foot in there for two months (ocmplete lack of energy and motivation), I managed to do an hour of cardio in the gym and then swim for half an hour. And then went all wrinkly by sitting in the hot tub for too long. But, uh, the first bit was good.

I'm not a weights girl, I like my skinny arms and wrists and I'd like to keep them that way. But give me a treadmill and my iPod and I'll be happy as Larry (whoever the hell Larry is, anyway).

It's like that scene from Scrubs where Dr Cox asks Elliot how she copes, or something, and her reply is "crank the treadmill up to x degrees and just run through the tears". My kind of girl. Defo.

The day after my marathon gym session: everything hurts. I winced at every step climbing up to the office this morning.

I gave my boss the biggest evils when he asked me to walk all the way across the building and back just to pick up his coffee. Get it yourself, lazy arse.

Give me my laptop now (not caring that it will depreciate in the five months til uni and be shit and out of date)

The Mac vs Windows argument is over. It got sidetracked slightly by geeks. I do not want Linux.

I like over-commercialised, capitalist products that have brand names that I recognise.

It's why I buy music from iTunes instead of illegal downloads. It's why I have an iPod, not a general mp3 player.

You buy a Ford car, not a generic, cheap, manufactured in somebody's spare room car with a name that has far too many x's and k's and z's. Those consonants are for long words and foreign languages.

That part of the argument was over quickly. It went something like this:



And then someone pointed out the comparable expense of a Macbook. COMPLETELY IGNORING ITS SLEEK GORGEOUS LOOKS. Ugh. Some people have weird priorities.