The A Word

Ever since my Mum told me that as a child, I was 'probably autistic', it's been going round and round in my head.

It would explain a lot. Like how I don't always understand questions unless they're phrased directly without tons of metaphors and colloquialisms. And how I am a tad OCD about having my cupboard doors and drawers completely shut. And how I don't adapt well to change. And I always feel socially inept.

I've always been very against the labelling of children. I don't see why you have to diagnose a child as dyslexic because they have trouble spelling or reading; to me, the label is simply an excuse. Just like ADHD - a perfect excuse for why little Jimmy won't behave.

But autism is something that I don't think is debatable; people have it or they don't. There would be no reasoning behind saying your kid isn't autistic if they are, because without being statemented, they can't get support at school.

But if I allow myself to carry this label of 'childhood autism', how does that affect me from now? Will I use that as an excuse every time I make a social faux-paus or don't understand what somebody's said? Am i going to be able to make new friends at uni if they're aware of this label?

I know I'm being hypothetical; there's no diagnosis, and what's the point in looking back at how I was as a small child and analysing my behaviour until we can say yes, you are autistic, or no, you're not.

If I had started secondary school with a label of autism, instead of just being 'that shy geeky girl', would I have the friends I have now? The qualifications? Would I have ended up a social outcast, like the Aspergers kid a few years above me?

I don't know what to do with this information. I'd feel stupid mentioning it to my GP, cos she's a close family friend and she's like an aunt to me. I don't want to discuss it any further with my Mum, cos she'll feel bad for mentioning it in the first place.

I can't just bottle it up and let it eat away at me, though. Therapy has taught me that much. On that note, I may discuss it with my CPN. It feels like this post is just a load of if's and but's, but it feels better to just put what I'm thinking in words.