Siesta.. no chance!

Spain is booked. At last. Nearly a thousand pounds has disappeared from my account in one fell swoop.

Now all I need to do is sit back and wait for everyone's money to roll in...

I cannot wait for this holiday! Last year's trip to Spain was good - this is gonna be even better!

I keep thinking of it as a Big-Brother style house. Eight people who don't really know each other that well cooped up with lots of alcohol and a pool.

Let's meet the cast:

Firstly, there's H. It's her family's villa. So naturally, she gets first dibs on bedrooms. Bang goes the ensuite at the top of the house with the ocean view and balcony. H is my bestest buddy in the whole world and has been so for years. She's my gossip queen, and company for coffee. We are battling not to be the fattest girl on holiday. Yes, you read that right. Two very slim built teenage girls are actively fighting not to be the pudgiest in our holiday crew.

There's the resident couple: A and F. A is my ex, and H's. He's a really close mate, and loves being the alpha-male protecting his clique of women. F and I have become really good mates while A has been at uni this year. Expect much giggly bitching, cocktail drinking, and backing each other up to annoy the blokes. A and F have the separate flat by the poolside due to their couple status.

Then there's the playboy: M. In recent weeks, H has fallen in love with M, despite him being completely (amazingly) honest about his status as a man whore. She has been cruelly rebuffed. Nah, it all got sorted far too humanely and politely for my liking. He opened his big gob at the pre-spain drinkies evening and told everyone he was sleeping with the police force whore - cue classic H face-drop. Cue much muffled yelling at M by me, while H escaped to the bar. I got a copy of the emails sent the following day (H sent them to me! I do not hack other people's emails! Only their facebooks...) and it was such a mature conversation it almost made me sick. I would have been all 'i want to castrate you with a blunt tea spoon' and they were getting all philosophical about relationships and trust and honesty and urgh... pass the sick bucket now. Back on topic, M is hot. And he knows it. H and M are supposedly sharing a room, but I think he may be relegated to the sofa by night 2.

S is M's housemate. And my holiday hottie. And my room-mate for the duration of the vacation. Oooh I can't wait!! Many a saucy text has been exchanged regarding the sleeping arrangements... I think S will be the source of practical jokes and the king of wind-ups. Any excuse to tickle him will be fine by me... I bagsied the room I had last year, a big double overlooking the pool and the ocean, and right next to the kitchen and bathroom. There is a door leading straight out onto the steps to the pool area, but I don't think we ever found the key.

R is S's friend, the equivalent to my H. R drew the short straw. As it currently stands, R is sharing with E, another bloke. They have the teeny weeny twin room next to mine and S's. R's a sweetie. Absolutely hilarious, my laugh-a-minute buddy and fellow parent of Jude Fernando, our hat-child (don't even ask... but there is a Disney film in the pipeline starring Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom to play me and R). Oh we're gonna have fun...

E went to school with H, A and I. He's our classic english tourist. Turns up at the airport in socks-n-sandals, a hawaiian shirt, bermuda shorts, and a straw hat. A and E intend to consume more Jagemeister during these 10 days than they managed last year. We need to replicate last year's classic holiday photo of the two of them sat on the edge of the pool with all the empty bottles between them. Sarky, laddish and seemingly asexual, E will be chief guiness drinker and proud winner of the worst sunburn award. I can guarantee that in advance.

That just leaves me. Jelly, taunter of men-folk, house-mother, queen of the suncream and adoptive mother of Jude the hat. Currently seeing S in a very casual, not really anything actually going on way. Would willingly snog M if the opportunity arose. Must try harder not to shamelessly flirt in a timeless way with A over our shared history, particularly in front of girlfriend F. Falling in love with R (more on this breaking news another time). Planning on developing a perfect even bronzed tan, going running at least five times while on holiday, and swimming before breakfast. I think H and I need to go one better than last years episode of topless sunbathing... maybe nude swimming? If we could just guarantee that we wouldn't be spied on by A this year..

Going back to Anorexia: Battle of the Summer Flab...

H and I have a bit of banter from time to time about our size. We're both around a size 10.

Despite me being about six inches taller, our hips are exactly the same height. This means that H has supermodel legs on a tiny body. I have the legs of a rugby player attached to the upper body of a ballerina.

H has a chest that guys approve of. I stand by the phrase 'any more than a handful is a wasteful'.

I have a flat stomach to rival Kate Moss, gained through eight months of hard labour at the gym, and several years of holding my abs taut to fake the flat stomach look. H has 'The Podge', as we have affectionately nicknamed it.

Neither of us wants to be the fat one on holiday. And seeing as F is a verifiable beanpole, this has left H and I frantically doing pre-breakfast sit ups, afternoon jogs, and secret gym trips. The coffee and cake trips have become water and fruit trips.

We both know full well that the lads love us both to bits and won't give a monkey's which of us is carrying less weight, but the battle to look the best in a bikini is taking its toll.

Even the lads are gettin in on it. S tried to invite himself along on H and I's afternoon jog! Ok, so it may have been more about him ogling at us in shorts than wanting to get into shape (although, oh my gosh, if he gets any more into shape I will not be responsible for my actions if I go anywhere near him.. phwoar).

Crazyness...