Stormclouds and fairy wings.

Just came up with an awesome audit proposal over lunch. Future A&E doc is in on it. Plus the flat cat. I think my secret is safe with the interweb. *whistles innocently*

Meeting with the tutor in two weeks, so we shall see if he think it's feasible. I probably have to re-earn the right to audit, though. My week off put me at least three weeks behind. A month later, that's shrunk to two weeks. By Christmas, it should be ok. Maybe.

The big dark cloud has swung back over my head and I just cannot shake it off. Not properly. For a few blissful minutes, I can push it away with a glass of wine. For an hour, with a furiously competitive badminton game (impressive, on my shitty lungs). But it always comes back, with a vengeance.

Now it is stealing from me. Taking words from my mouth. More and more times, I discover that the word I want isn't there. It's on the tip of my tongue, blocked by something invisible. I write instead, my handwriting spiralling across pages. But letters are missing, misplaced, miswritten. P's become b's. S's get inverted. My hand shakes with it's own frustration.

But I am hanging on to everything else. I know I passed the formative. Five hours of painstaking copying from scribbled clerkings produced an extended clerking that will pass - with a few red scribbles criticising my use of abbreviations, no doubt. My videoed patient interview today was pretty good. Not amazing, but better than alright. I got all the symptoms and concerns out in my time limit, and showed some degree of competency in communication skills.

So I know I can do this clinical stuff. I damn well know I want the end product. I just can't hack the mind-drain in between.