Fuses and future fear

I am in a state of indecision. Possibly due to yet another of my old school friends getting engaged. It's bridal bouquets and babies everywhere you look among my former classmates.
So it's prompted a bizarre look at the future. Pretty far into the future, actually, considering that the next six to eight years are pretty set in stone - stuck in my university area finishing degree and doing foundation years. No, I'm looking at old wrinklies future time...

I love R. But he has the temper of a petulant toddler. It is evident in his father. And mine. Isn't it said that you choose a man who reminds you of your father?

I hate the strops. The grumps. The tantrums. The sulks. The mardys. The 'I'm going to sit in my bedroom for the remainder of this evening, refuse to emerge, and refuse to communicate even through the bedroom door'.

Keep telling myselt it's all good practice for when the patter of tiny feet is finally heard in my life.

I can't help thinking that I only consider that R and I have a long term future because he is my first proper boyfriend. My first love. My longest relationship. Maybe if I had more experience in this, I wouldn't cling on to R like a liferaft to a Titanic survivor. I would be able to let him go, knowing that there are many more fish in the sea.

But R and I both know that we are not the people to give second chances. We are both on our second chances for minor indiscrepancies, many months past. But for big things? If I walked away, the path back does not exist. And if he left me, for whatever reason, I stand on too many principles to take him back.

The question remains, am I wasting time with R? Is Mr Right hiding just around the river bend, but I have to actually put my oar in the water, and push? Not just blindly float.

Meh, I'm on a down day. It's a week short of our 6 month anniversary. I'll keep floating. Life has waves. I just need it to lift and let me see the horizon again.

Home SweetnSour Home

After many, many hours cooped up in a sardine tin, I am HOME!!!

The sofa has never been so comfy.

Lets see how long it takes for the novelty to wear off and my mum to badger me into doing chores again...

Like a phoenix...

Procrastinating like a true med student. So I'm finally here, cooped up in my little room in halls. And I'm not exaggerating about the little. If I tip my chair back, I hit the bed. If I sit on the end of the bed, I kick the wardrobe. I can almost touch both sides of the room at once. I do love it though :) Covered in Zac Efron posters, shelves packed with my books and DVDs (House boxsets are hugely detrimental to anatomy study), fairy lights dangling above my desk... It's my space and no one else's.

And the reason I'm back to blogging? I have to do a mini-presentation on 'Outline the main inequalities in health in Britain' tomorrow morning. I've known this for six weeks. I have 5 papers printed out and highlighted. But no actual written notes... It was all damn perfect til the one paper I thought had all the answers turned out to be based on a Dutch population. Doesn't quite match the requirement of 'in Britain'.

Nearly done with it now. Three pages of prose (never did get the whole idea of bullet points) about the Black Report, child poverty, socioeconomic groupings, and 'why eczema has a higher incidence in the highest socioeconomic classes despite no biological reasoning for this'. And I enjoyed writing it :S

Probably because I actually felt like a medical student, perusing papers from journals to find proof that supported what I wanted to say. Not just Wiki-ing the title and copy-pasting. Add to that the fact that I actually have to trek to the hospital for tomorrow's tutorial and I may as well throw the stethoscope round my neck now.